CWR Relationships TNT with J. Thurman, B.A.
Burning Question #21 – Why Is It That Some Men Can Romance You and Stay the Same Until the End, While Others Become Comfortable and Forget About the Things They Did to Get You?
This question, once again, tackles one of the twenty-one questions that women do not ask men. A woman’s priorities when it comes to need versus want become blurred while trying to get to know someone. Food, clothing and shelter and other physiological needs top of the list when it comes to finding out if a man can provide these things not only for himself, but for the woman he is interested in as well. I suggest discussing your ideas about love and belonging early in the encounter, so that the person you have an interest in is clear as to what you mean by romance.
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs gives a basic starting point to investigation and find out how something like romance exists in the mind, of not only men, but women as well. Maslow uses the concept of love and belonging and says that if these terms are applied to a person’s life the individual can live a more balanced life. That person can live free from the deprivation that takes its toll on the whole body by not having a sense of belonging or acceptance. From my perspective romance provides the space in a person’s life to offer good love and a deep sense of connecting causing a person to feel accepted internally and externally.
The under layers of human needs like a sense of belonging in a relationship are important, but talking about it often falls off the list of things that must be discussed. Playing detective, which for some women is their favorite sport waste a lot of time, money and energy while spoiling a ripe opportunity to get the sometimes elusive truth from men. Learn when a man is most susceptible to being truthful, then strike.
Most times if a person does not know what romance is, just accepting something that sounds good is good enough? One should never complain when you just accept what somebody gives you, especially when you have ample time to talk about it. Some men are just professional boyfriends while others are just warm bodies passing off as one. What do you think is romantic and how do you grow it; cultivate it and sustain it? I know that of all the things that move and oscillate in the known universe creativity and imagination can help you concoct the elixir of romance in ample portions. The challenge is having the courage to express it even in a situation where you feel rejection is eminent. The trick to remember is that your persistence and sincerity makes all things happen.
Try with these basics point to help navigate the conversation:
· Romance entails a sense of connection that is deeply and passionately attentive and physically spiritually expressive. If you bargain with this and “settle” for someone that is a good earner, then that is your choice. Look for tendencies in you and in the person you are interested in. Do not assume you can hint guilt or plant a romantic nature into everybody you meet.
· Work out the Intimacy bugs by building a frame together as to what intimacy is. Then build a masterpiece of trust. You will find that most people do not even know what intimacy is and are too egotistic to find out. Only in the end when their significant other craves for it do they find out they cannot fake it any more. By definition intimacy is trust and without this sincere romance is an illusion.
. Friendship is the main ingredient for a successfully consistent romantic experience every time. Subtle nuances that keep romance fresh come from the basic components of friendship. A person that listens with both ears and humility can stock pile new and fresh information that make the next romantic experience hot and heavy. Friendship or the appearance of friendship creates an environment that allows the other person to say things that they would normally be in reserve to express. This information makes the romantic experience easier and more detailed to the person you are trying to satisfy.
· Connection is vital for a romance. Ask yourself what connects you to that other individual besides primal attraction and if it is just primal, respect that, and know where you stand. A shared sense of adventure or shared sense of conservatism, it does not matter whatever it is needs to be drawn out. Find a common thread and start to weave a tapestry that is beautifully unique together. We spend a lot of time avoiding connecting because of our fear and insecurities and in the end it causes us more trouble than it’s worth. Our connection as a human family affects our overall health inside and out. Connection is natural. Having a solid and authentic connection is pure gold and allows everything to flow effortlessly.
With that said you get what you pay attention to. What are you paying attention to?
Rule #4081 Men want women to stay the same (physically & sexually), while women want men to change (intellectually and spiritually). When that change does not happen women realize they have been blindsided by the fact that “he is what he is” and was that way the whole time. You were just under the influence (New-ness, Attractive-ness, Horny-ness, and Might be the one-ness, etc…). Stay Above the Influence!
When it comes to being romantic some men come out with guns blazing and then run out of ammunition, others cliché you to death, but at least they make an attempt. Some do not even try. Romance is purely subjective when it should be objective, more of a personal experience, but if there is no romantic experience to compare it to, then what? Men don’t forget what it took to get you, they simply forget, “YOU”. Often time people forget each other and depend on the other to uphold the newness that once sparked that special encounter, but that’s another article for another time. They run the term and forget what’s important, “us” and spend the duration of the time together disrespecting the relationship. They disrespect the love and the sense of belonging that encourages a healthy sense of acceptance. That situation can be corrected, but do not spend your life time doing so.
The guy that doesn’t even try…..well what can you say? Remember the scene in the movie “300” where King Leonidas kicks the messenger of Persia into the endless pit….. I believe you get the picture. Then there are men that are obsessed with pleasing the person they are in a relationship with and romance oozes from their pores. They are natural romantics. These men can’t help it they appreciate their woman and reciprocate naturally. But no matter what, if having a romantic life is important or unimportant, you can make it happen. Instead of worrying about what someone else is not giving you live with a romantic spirit and all that you want will come. Ladies, remember you get what you pay for, rather it be a pair of Manolo Blahnik five inch heels or a man that cannot warm your side of the bed, you choose.
About J. Thurman, B.A.: A native of Chicago, J. Thurman uses his experience as a researcher, educator, and historian, to bring forth an offering that will start the movement to redefine the ideas of relationships between men and women. As a published author and relationship guru, he constantly pushes the envelope in the war between truth an honesty in relationships. He is a graduate of Southern University and currently lives in Atlanta, GA. He currently speaks and tours all over the country.